Slumber Party Massacre "Trilogy", using the term all willy nilly

       One common trait among the overly excitable, anti-pop culture centric basement trolls(commonly known as nerds) is the uncanny ability to marathon any given movie franchise, television or video game series with only the help of over yellowed soft drinks and bare minimum hygiene.  This is ability becomes a curse(believe it or not) to those nerds who particularly enjoy the visceral and righteous art form that is the Slasher movie genre. Most of the time a horror will lose its UNF when the fat Hollywood pigs realize the money making potential of a decent horror title and churn out subsequent related films like so many Big Macs. This is where we get the origin stories, 3D titles, remakes, revamps and titles hitting double digits. IF done correctly some of these ain't half bad (Jason, Freddy and good ol' leather Face) but most of the time we end up with Saw 19 and Final Destination Christmas Carol. As a rule of thumb, when it comes to horror sequels the lower the budget the better the flick, so naturally... a campy trilogy of barely legal wide eyed brunettes getting drilled(heheheehe) seemed like a good way to spend a lazy Sunday.
     I find it a bit...misrepresented to call Slumber Party Massacre a Trilogy. Yes, there are 3 of them and they do share the same name...but I found that movies have little to do each other. That is not to say that these films are bad...or rather not entertaining. Each installment in the series adds a unique flavor to the trite gathering of scanty clad, 17 ish girls getting picked off one by one scenario.

 The Slumber Party Massacre

   What would a gathering of stupid teenagers be without a themed based killer on the loose? It would be Glee...but I digress. In this, our cherry popping installment in the Slumber Party series the killer targets the women of an average High School with his power tool arsenal, favoring his trusty power drill. When the girls varsity basketball team decide to have a slumber party, the Home Depot aficionado is not far behind with a really long extension cable en tow. This films satisfies that gore-craving just a smidgen, being on par with tame slashers like Halloween and Friday the 13th. The dialogue is memorable and has the "so bad its good" thing that the kids keep going on about. It tosses aside the "who dunnit?" by showing you the killer while the credits are still rolling. This guy has no motive to kill, he merely enjoys it which is a much more disturbing thing than a killer with a purpose. Not vastly original but its nice to see a movie not relying on this trope. The acting or rather the eye candy, sorry that's what it is...are good at conveying the hopeless feeling of being trapped in a wide open house. The deaths are alright but nothing to write home about. Over all a pretty entertaining hour and change of 80's slasher goodness.

Slumber Party Massacre II

In the second installment we follow the sister of the sole survivor of the first movie. She is dealing with recurring nightmares of a killer she never saw in the first place. It is a stretch but this might be the only thing that connect the two films, lest I forget the high-light reel of the first movie playing during the opening credits. The aforementioned younger sibling is off to a far away condo where her and her girlfriends(who are in a band) are gonna have a slumber party in order to practice for an upcoming school dance. Our protagonist suffers from visions and nightmares that seem to come true, hold on a sec the infringement train doesn't stop there. The slasher is a seemingly supernaturally powered smart mouth with a knack for killing women in very creative and outlandish ways. Sound familiar? The writer thought so too, adding side characters named Kruger and Craven, seemingly an attempt to kinda debunk copying, make it seem like a homage to Freddy Kruger.The killing is done by a smart mouthed every man that cracks wise and uses each teens "subtly" mentioned fears to kill them, making each kill that much more unique, although ultimately they get stabbed by a drill, it just so happens that its at the end of an elaborate electric guitar. The second installment takes a much cruder stab at story telling, focusing more on the scantily clad ladies and raunchy humor, a stark contrast to the brutal realism of the series. Aside from copying Nightmare on Elm Street, this movie is alright, its worth mentioning that this is my least favorite of the three. 

Slumber Party Massacre III

If the first installment was like Halloween and part 2 like Nightmare on Elm Street, then the third is more like Sleep Away Camp. Taking it back to basics, it could be considered a remake of sorts, having nothing to do with the first two. We follow a group of teenage girls after a hard day of beach volleyball, they decide to have a sleep over shindig. Naturally, their sexually frustrated male counter parts show up uninvited to try to catch a glimpse pf the naughty ongoings that will no doubt unfold in the lonely suburban home.  Murder and boob exposure ensue. III takes the formula from the first installment and reinvigorates it with the added "who dunnit?" aspects that are a genre staple. This time around the killer is given motivation, at the risk of spoiling what is an uncommonly good story, I will delve no further. The death seem to fall 'tween the first and second installment, as far as gore goes. Each kill is very brutal, but not  over saturated with red corn syrup. A tasteful visceral romp into the death of unsuspecting teens. This is by far my favorite of the three, like a tune up to the first movie, actually doing it right this time around with proper story, characters and suspense. a definite must watch for lovers of the genre.

        All together the three movies seldom make a reference to one another, that is the charm to this misguided trilogy, each installment has its own feel and flavor. This makes it ideal for marathon, themes never get old, deaths are creative and unique all the way through and the incredi-bad writing will give you some deep belly laughs.

The Maniac Cop trilogy; underrated Slasher flicks

        As far as I know, and I know very little, police brutality was a hot button issue in the late 80's early 90's...which I care very little about being that A. this is an uncultured swine article and B. thinking about news stuff takes up brain space that could be used for useful things like action figure pricing and how much beer money comes out of a 35 hour workweek. Never the less, the 'fuck da po-lease' attitude that was all the rage in the late 80's gave the Maniac Cop trilogy a good groundwork to showcase  its corny dialogue and overzealous use of red corn syrup. It does have an underlying critique on police corruption, the faulty criminal justice system and how we as law abiding citizens are at the mercy of the long arm of the law. The message is delivered subtly enough that even I (someone who usually wants no part of political statements in movies) enjoyed the films.
Maniac Cop
   

       When it comes to origin stories, the story of Matt Cordell becoming Maniac Cop is among the cheesiest. Playing out like the obligatory rape scene that dotted the landscape of prison dramas of the day with the added unf that could only come from a slasher movie. Horror movie fanboys also might enjoy BRuce Campbell as good guy cop character that is tormented by the Maniac Cop when he is framed for the murders that the crazed po-po commits. Definitely a creeper of a movie, it harkens to the days of media induced fears that make us city folk nervous, violent crime waves and errbody getting killt hide yo wife hide yo kids type shit. If Halloween brought the fear to the suburbs then Maniac Cop brought it to the city, and don't give me that Jason goes to New York bull shit. This definitely had better deaths and a much creepier slasher.
Maniac Cop 2
      Borrowing a page from Halloween II, Maniac Cop 2 picks up right after the end of the first movie, in fact it has the first five minutes or so of Maniac Cop just so you know that you are in fact watching the second installment. In this installment we see the murderous po-po team up with another serial killer in New York, finding his kindred spirit Maniac Cop pretty much acts as a security guard for the wouldbe serial strangler, killing amy police that are on his trail and busting him out of sticky situations if need be. This time we have Det. McKinney played by underrated actor Robert Davi hot on the heels of the strangler and Maniac Cop. Davi has an excellent look as a Detective, calling back to the rough-and-tumble noir Detectives of yester-year. Because this movie needs no back story(except the first five minutes) we are left with much more murder and gore than its predecessor, making this my favorite of the three films. Maniac Cop 2 has a very wrapped up ending leaving no loose ends that might need killing later. Unless a hand reaches out of the grave of the believed to be deceased Matt Cordell...
Maniac Cop 3;Badge of Silence
 

  Well fuck me running....a hand did reach out of the grave right before the credits rolled in the Maniac Cop 2. Having no fucks to give this time around Maniac Cop Cordell goes balls out on these mudafukas. Closer resembling the Terminator instead of a slasher.  This time around Maniac Cop has grown a heart, defending a falsely accused lady officer from attackers...definitely the out of character experience that most third installments are famous for. Also witness the return of Det. McKinney in all his noir detective goodness.Definitely recommended to fans of over the top b-movies, destroying a police station, killing countless officers, and a flaming maniac cop behind the wheel of an automobile?? YEah, you gots to watch this shit.
   I'm truly surprised that these films don't get as much attention as the major slasher franchises, the scares and gore are on par and at times much better than big names like Jason, Freddy and Chucky, with some pretty funny writing to boot. This trilogy definitely deserves a spot on the shelves of any self respecting gorehound and horror movie fan.

Maniac(1980) *VS* Maniac(2013)

      Most people who consider themselves movie buffs often utter the phrase "well, it's no ____" or "at least it was better than ____" when giving recommendations. It is much easier reviewing movies
when have two side by side, but I'm not a complete idiot, not completely, I won't compare apple to oranges, we need at least two compatible films. More often than
not we see the horror movies these days are either complete reboots of obscure titles or complete rip offs  When I first found about the remake of 1980's groundbreaking slasher movie MANIAC I didn't know how to feel, the movie was ahead of its time in its storytelling,it could benefit from a modernization of its story it has a lot of relevance in today's world but are classics better left alone?? It could be biz as usual a sub-par shot for shot  remake that does the original no justice or a complete retelling with the same  core story and plot twists that make it a  brilliant re-imagining of a classic, leaving genre purist with little to say afterwards. Either way, it is pretty fair that we compare the two movies and see which is the better film and if both are worth a watch or not.
MANIAC(1980)
 For Frank Zito it has been considerably easy to deal with traumas of childhood, simply imagine your mother is the women you brutalize on a nightly basis...well it doesn't sound easy when you say it like that. Maniac is a slasher flick that focuses on the slasher and not the victims, revealing what could push a man to go on a murderous rampage. What happens off camera in other horror movies take center stage in Maniac, you see Zito catching up to the victim, the tactics he uses to get near the scantily clad ladies and you see the murder from a first person POV. This is a little jarring to see stalking and stabbing through the eyes of the murderer, every stab, every fast paced step, making you feel Zito's struggle to try to stop himself from killing again. This leaves you pedaling water morally, yes it is wrong to kill women, no matter what kind of mommy issues you have...but those that make you an evil person or just....sick? Maniac makes you think, unlike the clear cut black and white slasher movies where the hot ladies are angelic and good and the shady characters are undoubtedly evil.
  Beside the "thinky" smart stuff, Maniac contains some pretty cool murder scenes. About as much red corn oil and spongy fake meat than can be expected from any self-respecting B-Movie, it does not disappointing on these fronts. The soundtrack is a bit lacking but using Zito's heavy breathing as his murder theme was a stroke of genius. Also any movie in which famous special FX guru Tom Savini is brutally wasted holds a very special place in my heart.
Maniac(2013)
Using the same basic story as the original, there nothing much to be said on that front. Elijah Wood as Frank was brilliant, he portrayed the disturbed role pretty well. The most notable difference between the two films is the almost exclusive first person POV used in the remake, at first this was a pretty cool gimmick but towards the end of the movie it got to be just that...way to gimmicky for my taste. There was an unrealistic amount of mirrors and reflective surfaces in these peoples homes, this took away from the experience, taking me out of the story by making me realize that I in fact was watching a movie, I'm not asking for complete submersion but if they used first person view in a handful of scenes it wouldn't have come across as forced. Although, when they did pan out of first person POV so that you could actually see Frank's face while he stabs and stabs and stabs was a sick and twisted flash of pure genius.
    Mostly using the same story as the original, the story did branch off in certain points. All of which are justified, making the story much more believable than the original, I found this ones plot easier to digest... why would a fat, greasy and obviously fucked in the head dude hang out with a very attractive model and photographer. The story just seemed a bit more hashed out in this
version.
 *VS*
Side by side both are very good slasher movies, both have crazy murdering dudes, both have creative and gory death scenes, both have sexy ladies dying all over the place...but the edge has to go to the original Maniac from 1980, only for the less gimmicky use of camera and Tom Savini's exploding head. But both films come recommended as far as slasher films go.

Iron Man 3,a fast and dirty review

The best innovation in recent cinema, besides ripping off old  cinema has been the way Marvel has been putting out serialized movies, not unlike the comic book medium that they are being ripped out of. The Marvel movies have better fleshed out characters that you can get invested in. Having said this, there was something a little off about his latest installment in the Iron Man series.
  Now before I go on I feel obliged to tell you that the next few bullet points are full if not completely spoilers. Just walk away knowing this, it is worth the price of admission at the theatre, but for those who read the comic books, the inaccuracies are very blaring and very hard to ignore. So go watch it, just remember that (after all) this is a movie and it won't compare to the source material. Now on to the damn thing. I'm gonna give this to you fast and quick with little to no foreplay  Imma give you the good, imma give you the bad, and imma give you the nerdy about Iron Man 3.

THE GOOD

• the setup was on point, building up that good ol suspense
• this is the funnier of the the three movies, Tony comes out of his shell and makes clever remarks any chance he gets
• truly action packed, lots of explosions, new creative action scenes, lots of fighing....did i mention a lot of shit blows up?
• it shows progression in the story, ie how tony has changed post Iron Man 2 and the Avengers
• the villians and plot points are very relavant to recent history and will have conspiricy theorist chomping at the bits to try and connect the dots, for an action movie it has a lot to say about our political state 

THE BAD

• The Mandarin turns out to be a fraud, an actor pretending to be a terrorist  front for the real villian wich turn out to be a mad scientist once again. Single handedly messingup Ironman's best arch nemesis, Ben Kinglsey was the perfect actor to play the Mandarin.
• The best action was showcased in the trailer
• Pepper Pot's spent very little time in the suit, it would have been cool to see her perform some Ironman shit
• The forced the Iron Patriot armor into the movie most likely because it looked cool, but in actuallity in the comic book continuation the suit is worn by Norman Osborne when he takes control over every facet in the Marvel universe
• They blended two different villians and did both very wrong, Aldrich would have been better by himslef, tying up the Extremis story arc that started in the first film very nicely, the Mandarin was a shit villian and aldrich was done half assed to fit in the bits about the Mandarin
• The the little bit after the credits that the Marvel movies are famous for was just filler, I was a bit angry that i waited for the credits to roll

THE NERDY

• The name drops oh my, The Avengers, "Big guy with the hammer" all had me shreoking lik a school cat
• The fact that the event of the events that transpired in the Avengers had a negative effect on Tony, namely the part where he sees into another side of the universe and the impending doom that lays on the other side of the worm hole
• All the different variations of the armors, Silver centurion, throwback to 80s comic book suits, even one of the Iron Man Hulk buster suits, pretty awesome stuff
• the climactic scene in which Tony calls on the aforementioned armory of suits to kick some Extremis ass
• Aldrich's monologue in which he says, " you don't get it... I am the Mandarin" could mean that he was the one who made up the Mandarin perosna that Ben Kinglsey plays or it could mean that Aldrich was possesed by the Chinese wizard the entire time. Its a stretch but the Mandarin has been known to do that in the comics, also play close attention to the last fight between Iron Man and Aldrich...the markings that are seen on Aldrich look a lot like dragons....scratch that, those are dragons painted on his burning body

Cerveza Cucapa, for your gabacho consideration

           

A couple weeks back I was enjoying the company of some of my most favorite riff-raff, hoodlums and shady romantics...good people. Like most good nights in good company end, we decided to leave the crowded nightlife scene to the safe nest that lies behind familiar closed doors...but not before we get our grubby mitts on beers and snacks. Stumbling into the convenience store, I make my way to fridge door that house my usual beer of choice, a barely yellow beer made by companies who opt for the easy way to mass produce a large amount of beer instead of taking their sweeeeeet loving time on smaller batches. when, one of my co-hoodlums points out to me a beer bottle with an alien on it, says that that shits tasty, who am I to say no some tasty shit...with a fucking alien on it, no less. That bottle was Chupacabra by Cucapa a company out of Mexicali, Baja California. Fast forward to today, when  I get a jonesing that rivals that of a pregnant woman in her third trimester, a craving for that sweet Chupacabra pale ale. Soooo, I went on a town wide search, a small town mind you...point being I went a bit out of my way to find these beers. 

    Cucapa gets its name from the native Baja tribe of pioneering desert dwellers of Mexicali region. Borrowing from their namesake, they are the pioneering Mexico into the world of microbreweries, being the first in the country and winning several hoity toity awards for their special brews, real high brow stuff...

They a variety of different beers but I could only get my hands on two, might be due to the fact that I live in a town with more farm life than people or because of the seasonal varieties...I tend to blame the latter.

Obscura

An American Brown Ale, a deep dark amber/coffee color. With a thin head, or maybe I can't pour worth a damn. This is a smoother almost creamy beer that taste like nuts and brown sugar with coffee notes at the end. A heavier type of brew...over all pretty tasty with a dry aftertaste. 

   

   

                                                Chupacabra

An American pale ale, it has a medium body that goes down with a citrus aftertaste  and with a hops taste that is very long lasting with some nutty and caramel tones all in between there. 

Out of the two, I would have to say my preference is with the Obscura, the smoother taste and rich, creamy texture beats the hops and citrus taste of the Chupacabra pale ale.

Top 3 action movies of the past 10 years

      Going by what we cover on this here Uncultured Swine you would think that we rarely watch anything this side of 1994, and six days out of the week you would be correct, but on rare occasions I get into tiny spastic  fits of cinematic conformism. I answer these sudden impulses with only the best in action movies, a mostly unscathed genre that still retains some of its past awesome, unlike the current comedies and what we call horror movies these days, also the copious amounts of exploding vehicles and bare breast justify my 20 dollar medium soda at the theatre. Let me make one thing clear, most current action movies are pretty much garbage(with very few exceptions), they are labeled thusly in my book because of lack of originality and an over all lame feeling that goes with any movie heartthrob toting a gun. So here is a selection from the vast Uncultured Swine DVD library of the best action films of the past ten years....

                        Chocolate(2008)
When you combine autism, a dying mother, and the accumulation of debt over a long period time in the real world you would get a sad fucking story....but in the made up world known as Thailand you get the movie "Chocolate". When Zen, an autistic girl with an ailing mother has to collect money that people owe her mother, she uses her ability to mimic body movements to her advantage. She masters several fighting in the course of the movie combined this with well placed comedy and awesome choreography makes this a must watch for any kung fu fan. Also, there is something very charming about a cute little girl kicking so much gangster ass on the big screen...picture Tony Jaa as a 3rd grade school girl.

Oldboy(2003)
When a man is released after being locked up for 15 years without knowing what for , he must find his captors and find out why he was locked up for in five days time. He must fight his way through hordes of  street thugs by any means necessary. Aside from the initial "rampaging revenge" thing Oldboy has goin on it is a very deep and thought provoking story, which is based on a Manga by the same name. Following the ever present theme, when on the path of revenge, you must start by digging two graves... and what a bloody sloppy road it is, armed with only a hammer, pure rage and no training to speak of, Oldboy appeals to the everyman who dreams of the day that his boiling point is reached and the consequences we dream to carry out on our foes. A very memorable storyline and one of my favorite fight scenes ever...its the hallway fight by  the way.  I recommend to watch this pretty soon, it is getting a
Hollywood remake directed by Spike Lee, don't want the remake leaving a bad taste in your mouth if you haven't seen the OG.

                                                                                                              Drive(2011)
 Drive can only be described a  Spaghetti crime movie, combining the gore and over exaggeration of westerns and the harsh subject matter of the crime genre in the 80's. It truly felt like I was watching a saturday movie rental from the dollar bin, only that this one was shot with a decent production value. It might be my little crush on Ryan Gosling that this movie makes my list...well maybe, but it could be that this movie is very reminiscent of an old 80's staple of the soft spoken hero that is willing to get his hands dirty. Combining haunting imagery and creeping soundtrack all add up to a brilliant homage to a forgotten movie genre that would even make Tarantino proud.

Opium and the Kung Fu master...junky monks!!!!

Tieh is the Kung Fu champion of the village, people respect and fear him, his word is law, but only a his most trusted students know of his terrible secret, the Shaolin master is addicted to opium. When a shady business man and his kung fu master body guards come to the humble village to get rich off the addictive substance by opening up a popular opium den. It is up Tieh to stop the exploitation of his village by this shady business man, but will he be able to kick this terrible (although, at times, hilarious) habit long enough to fight off these dastardly fiends???

Most of the time in period piece Kung Fu flicks, we see the use of drugs or special tea or alcohol as a plus, an inner demon that can be harnessed in order to deliver some sort of unblockable punch or as a means to withstand incredible amounts of pain. Opium and the Kung Fu Master strays far from this tired trope. The message is too in your face for me, it would have made the movie more enjoyable without the message. The story building dialogue was reminiscent of old public service announcements here in the US, if it was meant to be taken seriously it failed, the serious message came off very comical, even during the more heinous double homicide/ double suicide scene, i couldn’t help but laugh at the misfortunes of the cross-eyed poor sap. Side note: when time traveling to imperialistic China be weary of cookies, they apparently look and taste a lot like rat poison.

That is far more than I should ever write about the plot of a Kung Fu movie, we aren’t here for the drama and high-grade acting. No, we require poorly dubbed hitting sounds, various weapons and fighting styles,  long fight scenes and cackling mustachioed  villains. Being a Shaw Bros studio production, Opium and the Kung Fu master delivers on all fronts, although I would have opted for less after school special and more of the mustachioed fellas. The heroes and villains are very colorful and dramatic, the supporting cast is full of funny characters and good filler footage. A highlight for me was the token blind kung fu teacher, the actor did a horrible job of portraying and vision  impaired man but that might be a positive for the movie.  There was maybe two or three different kung fu styles but they make up for it with the weapons and sword play. The standard sword and fighting pole are present but they also dust off the rarely used double short spear. My favorite fight scene had to be ‘tween the fighting pole and double spear. The film could have used a little more of the aforementioned kung fu movie staples for me to give it a ‘must watch’ recommendation but give it a try if you are looking for some laughs between badly placed punching sounds.