V.H.S; sorta scary...sorta meh

   Falling again for those trailers that have quotes stating that they have what could be "the SCARIEST movie of all time", threats of ladies walking out or of you soiling your trousers because of the new findings in the scaring-shit-out-of-you sciences...that is how I first got an interest in this sort of good movie.
   V/H/S is a movie compiled of half-dozen short films that are all shot in the first person perspective, ala Blair Witch Project. None of the films are related, save an overlapping story of a couple of ruffians ram-sacking a creepy house in search of some video tapes to make a quick buck. Amid the creepy ambiance and horrible lighting, they find time to browse a dead man's VHS collection. The movies have that distinct headache inspiring camera work, but if the objective was going for realism...then this was done very well, mimicking that drunk dad at the Barbecue  camera technique. The stories all seem to be ripped off of other movies or at least spin off the idea of most. Not to say that most all horror movies are influenced by prior genre staples but in the V/H/S shorts it is very obvious.
    Individually, each story is much different from the next, themes range from slasher in the woods to the haunted house scenario. Using various genre tropes like pointless nudity, breaking the fourth wall and more than a hand full of gory scenes filled with rubber and red corn oil  made V/H/S enjoyable during certain scenes, however, this over exaggeration of  moments in the film made the build up scenes seem very mundane and drawn out.This heavy handed style of give and take works out for full lenght films but in a short film narrative had me bored between flashes of tit and neck stabbings.
                  This movie would be better enjoyed in parts, maybe catching shorts individually on youtube or wacthing scene by scene with your DVD. Each short was good on its own merit, be it creepy vampire ladies, crazed lesbian lovers, or a slasher victim taking sweet revenge on a supernatural killer are bythemselves very satisfying gore filled and suspensefull little treats, better enjoyed everyonce in awhile not in copious amounts, afterall...you might get a tummy ache. You won't see anything groundbreaking in this movie and while some parts are scary and not just surprise jumps ....VHS is far from the latest and greatest in the scare medium. I do recommend
the short films individually but not all in one sitting...it does get loooooong and drawn out.

Cobra... Crime is a disease, He is the cure

In a Reagan era Los Angeles, the streets are running rampant with vermin. Crime is at an all time high, Police can’t do what is necessary for fear of backlash from the already wary public. Violent crime is a disease  and one man is the cure. One man is willing to do what is needed, but not wanted. He is no hero, just a  lone protector, a silent guardian, the dark kni– nah man its just Sylvester Stallone. Marion Cobretti, has unknowingly stumbled on the heels of a neo fascist group New Order whose core belief is that the weak should be killed leaving only the strong to rule the world. One faithful night, Ingrid(Nielsen) a very humble supermodel is witness to a violent crime at the hands of New Order’s leader. Trying to get this scumbag behind bars, they assign ‘Cobra’  to protect the helpless model, fleeing to the countryside somehow the New Order knows of their whereabouts and corners Cobra and his newly found woman in a factory where the obligatory final showdown must be held.

For regular people who often can’t enjoy the merits of a bad movie, definitely skip out on this one. This is exemplary B-movie affair, chalk full of one liners, unprovoked spasms of toughness displayed by the protagonist, and overzealous use of foul language and violence. The storyline is very predictable and at times very aware of itself. Using the tried and true Cop with an attitude that only plays by his own rules formula, the screenplay is ground breaking by no means. In spite of the nature of B-Movies I was expecting a little more consistency from the characters that Stallone created as a screenwriter

. What I mean by this is that, characters changed their personality at a moments notice for the sake of action or comedy. This left very stoic characters like Cobretti with some awkward screen time when they made jokes that didn’t seem to fit his persona at all. This would be understandable if he let the characters grow and became better or changed because of events of the film but as soon as he delivered the joke, Cobra was back to being a very serious police officer looking for justice and order.

The setting and tone were very film noir, making LA look like a bleak urban wasteland where crime runs rampant and Los Angeles is half skid row , half Beverly Hills. It certainly reflected the zeitgeist of the day, with the just captured Richard “Night Stalker” Ramirez fresh behind bars, the definite inspiration for the main antagonist of the film and social unrest in LA stemming from the heavy-handed LAPD and drug crimes in working class neighborhoods, Cobra was more social commentary than it is given credit for. In spite of its action movie guise Cobra had a lot to say about the current state of things.

The action was there, not to over the top but just enough to have you saying “hey, that wouldn’t reasonably happen in a similar situation in real life” but enough for you to know that it was an 80′s flick. The pace changed drastically after the opening scene, going from high stakes action and suspense to 30 or 40 minutes of story and character build up was a bad choice on the directors part. I became bored after the action of the opening credits, I couldn’t get back into it after people started dying in creative ways.Cobra comes recommended to those looking for an action movie with a little thought to it, but still doesn’t take itself too seriously.

Franken Hooker...Top notch B-Movie

When a defunct medical student Jeff Franken’s lady friend Elizabeth gets hacked up into little bits and pieces at the cold blades of his own invention,a overzealously bladed radio controlled monster of lawnmower.  Franken sets to right his wrongs by creating yet another abomination.  Franken being well versed in bioelectricity (whatever that is) begins the process of putting Elizabeth back together again. Logically, he seeks spare lady parts (haha) where they are being sold for cheap. Frankenhooker is one of those movies that gets looked over for its strange and at times tasteless humor, being strange and tasteless individual myself, well, lets just say you had me at ‘hacked into bits’.

Frankenhooker from beginning to end is a gore hounds wet dream.  Movie starts with the lobotomy of a floating brain and ends with juxtaposed body parts killing a muscle-bound man. Sorry for the spoilers, but if you are looking for a good story look elsewhere you pansy. A great deal of the humor  lies in the over acting and under acting that the performers give. Where a hooker is ecstatic about a man with glasses, a muscle-bound pimp is hit by the decapitated head of his bottom bitch and doesn’t give it a second thought. The settings are very well done or either were shot in the shadiest parts NYC, the locations had me reaching for my hand sanitizer. The music was over emphasized synthesizer  which is exactly how me likes for the flicks of the era. It fit in  perfectly with shady alley ways and glowing neon. The feel of the film was surprisingly submersive for such an outlandish movie. I actually felt compelled by the story and dialogue in contrast to other B-movies where you wait for the next one liner or good scene, Frankenhooker was good all of the way through.

It feels weird to say, but this movie fits the criteria for a classic movie border line masterpiece in the vain of Reservoir Dogs and Scarface. It transcends its genre and shines all across the film genre spectrum. You laughed at the outlandish situation, you felt bad for the obviously tormented mad scientist, the gore was scary closing in on disturbing . The brilliant writing was not trying to be more than it should have been and will have you reciting scenes to yourself weeks after you put the DVD back on the shelf. Like Reservoir Dogs and Scarface, I’m having a really hard time trying to decide which scene or line in Frankenhooker was my favorite but for this time around I’m going to have to say the bag of Super Crack in the hotel room was my favorite, but of course that will change next time we speak.

I Spit On Your Grave, Exploitation with a Message

     The real art in any B-Movie or grindhouse type flick, aside from the cheesy dialogue and the ability to make a bad-ass out of any protagonist, is the ability to take outlandish and improbable situations and using it as a jumping off point to greater social issue that could not be dealt with in any sort of conventional medium. For example Romero's Dead series spoke about civil rights, commercialism and the cold war in america, a host of blaxploitation films dealt with the ignored problems of inner city youth and most recently Django Unchained deals with America sweeping slavery under the rug and trying to ignore it. Granted, a lot (if not most) exploitation films are an exercise in pushing the envelope and getting cheap laughs out of gore and inappropriate actions, but once in awhile you get all those cheap laughs and a message on a hot button issue.

     I Spit On Your Grave(1978) is about a well-to-do writer who escapes to the countryside where she can find some peace and quiet to finish writing her novel. When she is targeted by a gang of local pervs and is gang raped by all of them. She then proceeds to go on what real-type movie reviewers would call a roaring rampage of revenge. Systematically hunting down everyone of her attackers and dealing out some vengeance. On merits of a Grindhouse movie its pretty average and at times a bit boring. The acting is usual B-movie fodder, the story is kinda thin and honestly for a b-movie some of the kill scenes were pretty tame by this bloggers desensitized standards, but this film is not to be watched for merely a "so bad its good" or for gore and scares.
               I Spit On Your Grave is meant to be taken in as a thought piece, taking a subject as serious and disgusting as rape and not sugar coating the subject. The raw power in the rape scene alone...even though it wasn't very outlandish by B-movie standards, was very real and very ugly. A rude awakening to the rape culture that has been cultivated not only in the U.S but in the whole ass-backwards world...at least when it comes to this area. The movie even takes the most common (and most ridiculous) justification for rape, the blaming of the victim and how any particular way of dressing "invites" any sort of abuse on the victim. The attacker gives that excuse, and the victim lets him get all his bullshit chauvinistic schpiel out , making him look like a coward and idiot...then she proceeds to rip off his dick and lets him bleed out as she listens on the other side of the door.
               Which leaves me a bit perplexed...how is it that exploitation cinema even back in the day is more empowering for blacks, gays, women and minorities? Maybe that explains societies unease at the sight of any kind exploitation, B-Movie or grindhouse movie. Maybe they are a bit too forward thinking for the socially retarded United states. Maybe you can keep this in mind next time you watch movies like Pink Flamingos, Faster Pussycat!Kill Kill, Dawn of the Dead and even Blacula....
        As far as I Spit On Your Grave goes...it comes very recommended for even for those just looking for cheap laughs and gore ridden violence.

   

Robo Vampire, The Best Crappy Movie EVER!!!!

Many of us in this day and age have an appreciation for the art form that is the “B-movie”. Usually very low budget fare with questionable acting and the worst special effects you have ever seen, they instill a feeling of giddy-ness rarely found in those who are legally sane. Well today I do believe I have found the absolute epitome of the genre in a little film that goes by the name of “Robo Vampire“. This movie has everything you could ever ask for cheesy villains, gore, bad special effects, a Robo Cop wanne be, boobs and Kung Fu.


The film starts off with some dude with his hands tied behind his back being shoved around by some form of military personnel wielding the obligatory M-16, when some steam begins to pour out of a nearby coffin and some form of Chinese vampire zombie jumps out and all hell breaks loose. Needless to say the afore mentioned prisoner and camouflaged bully wind up dead. The only way to describe the movement of these vampire zombie things is if a rabbit was doing a Frankensteins monster impersonation. It is truly ridiculous.

Now there are 2 story lines running throughout this movie that they try to connect through the miracle of over dub and film editing, however you never at any point see people from the separate story’s interact with each other. The First Story is one of mysticism, “vampires” (one of which has a gorilla mask on) and a very Be Kind Rewind-esque Robo Cop ripoff, while the second story is basically about some guys (and a lady) going to save a woman who was kidnapped by a drug kingpin.

Spray painted hockey gear and a gun. My hero.

Highlights include but are not limited to : An on foot chase scene where the monkey faced vampire is hopping away from the silver spray painted hockey padding clad Robo guy, and sparklers poking out of the end of sleeves denoting that mystical powers are being used.

Robo Vampire is a MUST HAVE . Not only is it ridiculous to the extreme while taking itself deadly serious, but every word is dubbed horribly, adding to the hillarity. Seriously this movie gets so many thumbs down they canceled each other out and started racking up cool points.