Slumber Party Massacre "Trilogy", using the term all willy nilly

       One common trait among the overly excitable, anti-pop culture centric basement trolls(commonly known as nerds) is the uncanny ability to marathon any given movie franchise, television or video game series with only the help of over yellowed soft drinks and bare minimum hygiene.  This is ability becomes a curse(believe it or not) to those nerds who particularly enjoy the visceral and righteous art form that is the Slasher movie genre. Most of the time a horror will lose its UNF when the fat Hollywood pigs realize the money making potential of a decent horror title and churn out subsequent related films like so many Big Macs. This is where we get the origin stories, 3D titles, remakes, revamps and titles hitting double digits. IF done correctly some of these ain't half bad (Jason, Freddy and good ol' leather Face) but most of the time we end up with Saw 19 and Final Destination Christmas Carol. As a rule of thumb, when it comes to horror sequels the lower the budget the better the flick, so naturally... a campy trilogy of barely legal wide eyed brunettes getting drilled(heheheehe) seemed like a good way to spend a lazy Sunday.
     I find it a bit...misrepresented to call Slumber Party Massacre a Trilogy. Yes, there are 3 of them and they do share the same name...but I found that movies have little to do each other. That is not to say that these films are bad...or rather not entertaining. Each installment in the series adds a unique flavor to the trite gathering of scanty clad, 17 ish girls getting picked off one by one scenario.

 The Slumber Party Massacre

   What would a gathering of stupid teenagers be without a themed based killer on the loose? It would be Glee...but I digress. In this, our cherry popping installment in the Slumber Party series the killer targets the women of an average High School with his power tool arsenal, favoring his trusty power drill. When the girls varsity basketball team decide to have a slumber party, the Home Depot aficionado is not far behind with a really long extension cable en tow. This films satisfies that gore-craving just a smidgen, being on par with tame slashers like Halloween and Friday the 13th. The dialogue is memorable and has the "so bad its good" thing that the kids keep going on about. It tosses aside the "who dunnit?" by showing you the killer while the credits are still rolling. This guy has no motive to kill, he merely enjoys it which is a much more disturbing thing than a killer with a purpose. Not vastly original but its nice to see a movie not relying on this trope. The acting or rather the eye candy, sorry that's what it is...are good at conveying the hopeless feeling of being trapped in a wide open house. The deaths are alright but nothing to write home about. Over all a pretty entertaining hour and change of 80's slasher goodness.

Slumber Party Massacre II

In the second installment we follow the sister of the sole survivor of the first movie. She is dealing with recurring nightmares of a killer she never saw in the first place. It is a stretch but this might be the only thing that connect the two films, lest I forget the high-light reel of the first movie playing during the opening credits. The aforementioned younger sibling is off to a far away condo where her and her girlfriends(who are in a band) are gonna have a slumber party in order to practice for an upcoming school dance. Our protagonist suffers from visions and nightmares that seem to come true, hold on a sec the infringement train doesn't stop there. The slasher is a seemingly supernaturally powered smart mouth with a knack for killing women in very creative and outlandish ways. Sound familiar? The writer thought so too, adding side characters named Kruger and Craven, seemingly an attempt to kinda debunk copying, make it seem like a homage to Freddy Kruger.The killing is done by a smart mouthed every man that cracks wise and uses each teens "subtly" mentioned fears to kill them, making each kill that much more unique, although ultimately they get stabbed by a drill, it just so happens that its at the end of an elaborate electric guitar. The second installment takes a much cruder stab at story telling, focusing more on the scantily clad ladies and raunchy humor, a stark contrast to the brutal realism of the series. Aside from copying Nightmare on Elm Street, this movie is alright, its worth mentioning that this is my least favorite of the three. 

Slumber Party Massacre III

If the first installment was like Halloween and part 2 like Nightmare on Elm Street, then the third is more like Sleep Away Camp. Taking it back to basics, it could be considered a remake of sorts, having nothing to do with the first two. We follow a group of teenage girls after a hard day of beach volleyball, they decide to have a sleep over shindig. Naturally, their sexually frustrated male counter parts show up uninvited to try to catch a glimpse pf the naughty ongoings that will no doubt unfold in the lonely suburban home.  Murder and boob exposure ensue. III takes the formula from the first installment and reinvigorates it with the added "who dunnit?" aspects that are a genre staple. This time around the killer is given motivation, at the risk of spoiling what is an uncommonly good story, I will delve no further. The death seem to fall 'tween the first and second installment, as far as gore goes. Each kill is very brutal, but not  over saturated with red corn syrup. A tasteful visceral romp into the death of unsuspecting teens. This is by far my favorite of the three, like a tune up to the first movie, actually doing it right this time around with proper story, characters and suspense. a definite must watch for lovers of the genre.

        All together the three movies seldom make a reference to one another, that is the charm to this misguided trilogy, each installment has its own feel and flavor. This makes it ideal for marathon, themes never get old, deaths are creative and unique all the way through and the incredi-bad writing will give you some deep belly laughs.

The Maniac Cop trilogy; underrated Slasher flicks

        As far as I know, and I know very little, police brutality was a hot button issue in the late 80's early 90's...which I care very little about being that A. this is an uncultured swine article and B. thinking about news stuff takes up brain space that could be used for useful things like action figure pricing and how much beer money comes out of a 35 hour workweek. Never the less, the 'fuck da po-lease' attitude that was all the rage in the late 80's gave the Maniac Cop trilogy a good groundwork to showcase  its corny dialogue and overzealous use of red corn syrup. It does have an underlying critique on police corruption, the faulty criminal justice system and how we as law abiding citizens are at the mercy of the long arm of the law. The message is delivered subtly enough that even I (someone who usually wants no part of political statements in movies) enjoyed the films.
Maniac Cop
   

       When it comes to origin stories, the story of Matt Cordell becoming Maniac Cop is among the cheesiest. Playing out like the obligatory rape scene that dotted the landscape of prison dramas of the day with the added unf that could only come from a slasher movie. Horror movie fanboys also might enjoy BRuce Campbell as good guy cop character that is tormented by the Maniac Cop when he is framed for the murders that the crazed po-po commits. Definitely a creeper of a movie, it harkens to the days of media induced fears that make us city folk nervous, violent crime waves and errbody getting killt hide yo wife hide yo kids type shit. If Halloween brought the fear to the suburbs then Maniac Cop brought it to the city, and don't give me that Jason goes to New York bull shit. This definitely had better deaths and a much creepier slasher.
Maniac Cop 2
      Borrowing a page from Halloween II, Maniac Cop 2 picks up right after the end of the first movie, in fact it has the first five minutes or so of Maniac Cop just so you know that you are in fact watching the second installment. In this installment we see the murderous po-po team up with another serial killer in New York, finding his kindred spirit Maniac Cop pretty much acts as a security guard for the wouldbe serial strangler, killing amy police that are on his trail and busting him out of sticky situations if need be. This time we have Det. McKinney played by underrated actor Robert Davi hot on the heels of the strangler and Maniac Cop. Davi has an excellent look as a Detective, calling back to the rough-and-tumble noir Detectives of yester-year. Because this movie needs no back story(except the first five minutes) we are left with much more murder and gore than its predecessor, making this my favorite of the three films. Maniac Cop 2 has a very wrapped up ending leaving no loose ends that might need killing later. Unless a hand reaches out of the grave of the believed to be deceased Matt Cordell...
Maniac Cop 3;Badge of Silence
 

  Well fuck me running....a hand did reach out of the grave right before the credits rolled in the Maniac Cop 2. Having no fucks to give this time around Maniac Cop Cordell goes balls out on these mudafukas. Closer resembling the Terminator instead of a slasher.  This time around Maniac Cop has grown a heart, defending a falsely accused lady officer from attackers...definitely the out of character experience that most third installments are famous for. Also witness the return of Det. McKinney in all his noir detective goodness.Definitely recommended to fans of over the top b-movies, destroying a police station, killing countless officers, and a flaming maniac cop behind the wheel of an automobile?? YEah, you gots to watch this shit.
   I'm truly surprised that these films don't get as much attention as the major slasher franchises, the scares and gore are on par and at times much better than big names like Jason, Freddy and Chucky, with some pretty funny writing to boot. This trilogy definitely deserves a spot on the shelves of any self respecting gorehound and horror movie fan.

Maniac(1980) *VS* Maniac(2013)

      Most people who consider themselves movie buffs often utter the phrase "well, it's no ____" or "at least it was better than ____" when giving recommendations. It is much easier reviewing movies
when have two side by side, but I'm not a complete idiot, not completely, I won't compare apple to oranges, we need at least two compatible films. More often than
not we see the horror movies these days are either complete reboots of obscure titles or complete rip offs  When I first found about the remake of 1980's groundbreaking slasher movie MANIAC I didn't know how to feel, the movie was ahead of its time in its storytelling,it could benefit from a modernization of its story it has a lot of relevance in today's world but are classics better left alone?? It could be biz as usual a sub-par shot for shot  remake that does the original no justice or a complete retelling with the same  core story and plot twists that make it a  brilliant re-imagining of a classic, leaving genre purist with little to say afterwards. Either way, it is pretty fair that we compare the two movies and see which is the better film and if both are worth a watch or not.
MANIAC(1980)
 For Frank Zito it has been considerably easy to deal with traumas of childhood, simply imagine your mother is the women you brutalize on a nightly basis...well it doesn't sound easy when you say it like that. Maniac is a slasher flick that focuses on the slasher and not the victims, revealing what could push a man to go on a murderous rampage. What happens off camera in other horror movies take center stage in Maniac, you see Zito catching up to the victim, the tactics he uses to get near the scantily clad ladies and you see the murder from a first person POV. This is a little jarring to see stalking and stabbing through the eyes of the murderer, every stab, every fast paced step, making you feel Zito's struggle to try to stop himself from killing again. This leaves you pedaling water morally, yes it is wrong to kill women, no matter what kind of mommy issues you have...but those that make you an evil person or just....sick? Maniac makes you think, unlike the clear cut black and white slasher movies where the hot ladies are angelic and good and the shady characters are undoubtedly evil.
  Beside the "thinky" smart stuff, Maniac contains some pretty cool murder scenes. About as much red corn oil and spongy fake meat than can be expected from any self-respecting B-Movie, it does not disappointing on these fronts. The soundtrack is a bit lacking but using Zito's heavy breathing as his murder theme was a stroke of genius. Also any movie in which famous special FX guru Tom Savini is brutally wasted holds a very special place in my heart.
Maniac(2013)
Using the same basic story as the original, there nothing much to be said on that front. Elijah Wood as Frank was brilliant, he portrayed the disturbed role pretty well. The most notable difference between the two films is the almost exclusive first person POV used in the remake, at first this was a pretty cool gimmick but towards the end of the movie it got to be just that...way to gimmicky for my taste. There was an unrealistic amount of mirrors and reflective surfaces in these peoples homes, this took away from the experience, taking me out of the story by making me realize that I in fact was watching a movie, I'm not asking for complete submersion but if they used first person view in a handful of scenes it wouldn't have come across as forced. Although, when they did pan out of first person POV so that you could actually see Frank's face while he stabs and stabs and stabs was a sick and twisted flash of pure genius.
    Mostly using the same story as the original, the story did branch off in certain points. All of which are justified, making the story much more believable than the original, I found this ones plot easier to digest... why would a fat, greasy and obviously fucked in the head dude hang out with a very attractive model and photographer. The story just seemed a bit more hashed out in this
version.
 *VS*
Side by side both are very good slasher movies, both have crazy murdering dudes, both have creative and gory death scenes, both have sexy ladies dying all over the place...but the edge has to go to the original Maniac from 1980, only for the less gimmicky use of camera and Tom Savini's exploding head. But both films come recommended as far as slasher films go.

Iron Man 3,a fast and dirty review

The best innovation in recent cinema, besides ripping off old  cinema has been the way Marvel has been putting out serialized movies, not unlike the comic book medium that they are being ripped out of. The Marvel movies have better fleshed out characters that you can get invested in. Having said this, there was something a little off about his latest installment in the Iron Man series.
  Now before I go on I feel obliged to tell you that the next few bullet points are full if not completely spoilers. Just walk away knowing this, it is worth the price of admission at the theatre, but for those who read the comic books, the inaccuracies are very blaring and very hard to ignore. So go watch it, just remember that (after all) this is a movie and it won't compare to the source material. Now on to the damn thing. I'm gonna give this to you fast and quick with little to no foreplay  Imma give you the good, imma give you the bad, and imma give you the nerdy about Iron Man 3.

THE GOOD

• the setup was on point, building up that good ol suspense
• this is the funnier of the the three movies, Tony comes out of his shell and makes clever remarks any chance he gets
• truly action packed, lots of explosions, new creative action scenes, lots of fighing....did i mention a lot of shit blows up?
• it shows progression in the story, ie how tony has changed post Iron Man 2 and the Avengers
• the villians and plot points are very relavant to recent history and will have conspiricy theorist chomping at the bits to try and connect the dots, for an action movie it has a lot to say about our political state 

THE BAD

• The Mandarin turns out to be a fraud, an actor pretending to be a terrorist  front for the real villian wich turn out to be a mad scientist once again. Single handedly messingup Ironman's best arch nemesis, Ben Kinglsey was the perfect actor to play the Mandarin.
• The best action was showcased in the trailer
• Pepper Pot's spent very little time in the suit, it would have been cool to see her perform some Ironman shit
• The forced the Iron Patriot armor into the movie most likely because it looked cool, but in actuallity in the comic book continuation the suit is worn by Norman Osborne when he takes control over every facet in the Marvel universe
• They blended two different villians and did both very wrong, Aldrich would have been better by himslef, tying up the Extremis story arc that started in the first film very nicely, the Mandarin was a shit villian and aldrich was done half assed to fit in the bits about the Mandarin
• The the little bit after the credits that the Marvel movies are famous for was just filler, I was a bit angry that i waited for the credits to roll

THE NERDY

• The name drops oh my, The Avengers, "Big guy with the hammer" all had me shreoking lik a school cat
• The fact that the event of the events that transpired in the Avengers had a negative effect on Tony, namely the part where he sees into another side of the universe and the impending doom that lays on the other side of the worm hole
• All the different variations of the armors, Silver centurion, throwback to 80s comic book suits, even one of the Iron Man Hulk buster suits, pretty awesome stuff
• the climactic scene in which Tony calls on the aforementioned armory of suits to kick some Extremis ass
• Aldrich's monologue in which he says, " you don't get it... I am the Mandarin" could mean that he was the one who made up the Mandarin perosna that Ben Kinglsey plays or it could mean that Aldrich was possesed by the Chinese wizard the entire time. Its a stretch but the Mandarin has been known to do that in the comics, also play close attention to the last fight between Iron Man and Aldrich...the markings that are seen on Aldrich look a lot like dragons....scratch that, those are dragons painted on his burning body

Cerveza Cucapa, for your gabacho consideration

           

A couple weeks back I was enjoying the company of some of my most favorite riff-raff, hoodlums and shady romantics...good people. Like most good nights in good company end, we decided to leave the crowded nightlife scene to the safe nest that lies behind familiar closed doors...but not before we get our grubby mitts on beers and snacks. Stumbling into the convenience store, I make my way to fridge door that house my usual beer of choice, a barely yellow beer made by companies who opt for the easy way to mass produce a large amount of beer instead of taking their sweeeeeet loving time on smaller batches. when, one of my co-hoodlums points out to me a beer bottle with an alien on it, says that that shits tasty, who am I to say no some tasty shit...with a fucking alien on it, no less. That bottle was Chupacabra by Cucapa a company out of Mexicali, Baja California. Fast forward to today, when  I get a jonesing that rivals that of a pregnant woman in her third trimester, a craving for that sweet Chupacabra pale ale. Soooo, I went on a town wide search, a small town mind you...point being I went a bit out of my way to find these beers. 

    Cucapa gets its name from the native Baja tribe of pioneering desert dwellers of Mexicali region. Borrowing from their namesake, they are the pioneering Mexico into the world of microbreweries, being the first in the country and winning several hoity toity awards for their special brews, real high brow stuff...

They a variety of different beers but I could only get my hands on two, might be due to the fact that I live in a town with more farm life than people or because of the seasonal varieties...I tend to blame the latter.

Obscura

An American Brown Ale, a deep dark amber/coffee color. With a thin head, or maybe I can't pour worth a damn. This is a smoother almost creamy beer that taste like nuts and brown sugar with coffee notes at the end. A heavier type of brew...over all pretty tasty with a dry aftertaste. 

   

   

                                                Chupacabra

An American pale ale, it has a medium body that goes down with a citrus aftertaste  and with a hops taste that is very long lasting with some nutty and caramel tones all in between there. 

Out of the two, I would have to say my preference is with the Obscura, the smoother taste and rich, creamy texture beats the hops and citrus taste of the Chupacabra pale ale.

Top 3 action movies of the past 10 years

      Going by what we cover on this here Uncultured Swine you would think that we rarely watch anything this side of 1994, and six days out of the week you would be correct, but on rare occasions I get into tiny spastic  fits of cinematic conformism. I answer these sudden impulses with only the best in action movies, a mostly unscathed genre that still retains some of its past awesome, unlike the current comedies and what we call horror movies these days, also the copious amounts of exploding vehicles and bare breast justify my 20 dollar medium soda at the theatre. Let me make one thing clear, most current action movies are pretty much garbage(with very few exceptions), they are labeled thusly in my book because of lack of originality and an over all lame feeling that goes with any movie heartthrob toting a gun. So here is a selection from the vast Uncultured Swine DVD library of the best action films of the past ten years....

                        Chocolate(2008)
When you combine autism, a dying mother, and the accumulation of debt over a long period time in the real world you would get a sad fucking story....but in the made up world known as Thailand you get the movie "Chocolate". When Zen, an autistic girl with an ailing mother has to collect money that people owe her mother, she uses her ability to mimic body movements to her advantage. She masters several fighting in the course of the movie combined this with well placed comedy and awesome choreography makes this a must watch for any kung fu fan. Also, there is something very charming about a cute little girl kicking so much gangster ass on the big screen...picture Tony Jaa as a 3rd grade school girl.

Oldboy(2003)
When a man is released after being locked up for 15 years without knowing what for , he must find his captors and find out why he was locked up for in five days time. He must fight his way through hordes of  street thugs by any means necessary. Aside from the initial "rampaging revenge" thing Oldboy has goin on it is a very deep and thought provoking story, which is based on a Manga by the same name. Following the ever present theme, when on the path of revenge, you must start by digging two graves... and what a bloody sloppy road it is, armed with only a hammer, pure rage and no training to speak of, Oldboy appeals to the everyman who dreams of the day that his boiling point is reached and the consequences we dream to carry out on our foes. A very memorable storyline and one of my favorite fight scenes ever...its the hallway fight by  the way.  I recommend to watch this pretty soon, it is getting a
Hollywood remake directed by Spike Lee, don't want the remake leaving a bad taste in your mouth if you haven't seen the OG.

                                                                                                              Drive(2011)
 Drive can only be described a  Spaghetti crime movie, combining the gore and over exaggeration of westerns and the harsh subject matter of the crime genre in the 80's. It truly felt like I was watching a saturday movie rental from the dollar bin, only that this one was shot with a decent production value. It might be my little crush on Ryan Gosling that this movie makes my list...well maybe, but it could be that this movie is very reminiscent of an old 80's staple of the soft spoken hero that is willing to get his hands dirty. Combining haunting imagery and creeping soundtrack all add up to a brilliant homage to a forgotten movie genre that would even make Tarantino proud.

Opium and the Kung Fu master...junky monks!!!!

Tieh is the Kung Fu champion of the village, people respect and fear him, his word is law, but only a his most trusted students know of his terrible secret, the Shaolin master is addicted to opium. When a shady business man and his kung fu master body guards come to the humble village to get rich off the addictive substance by opening up a popular opium den. It is up Tieh to stop the exploitation of his village by this shady business man, but will he be able to kick this terrible (although, at times, hilarious) habit long enough to fight off these dastardly fiends???

Most of the time in period piece Kung Fu flicks, we see the use of drugs or special tea or alcohol as a plus, an inner demon that can be harnessed in order to deliver some sort of unblockable punch or as a means to withstand incredible amounts of pain. Opium and the Kung Fu Master strays far from this tired trope. The message is too in your face for me, it would have made the movie more enjoyable without the message. The story building dialogue was reminiscent of old public service announcements here in the US, if it was meant to be taken seriously it failed, the serious message came off very comical, even during the more heinous double homicide/ double suicide scene, i couldn’t help but laugh at the misfortunes of the cross-eyed poor sap. Side note: when time traveling to imperialistic China be weary of cookies, they apparently look and taste a lot like rat poison.

That is far more than I should ever write about the plot of a Kung Fu movie, we aren’t here for the drama and high-grade acting. No, we require poorly dubbed hitting sounds, various weapons and fighting styles,  long fight scenes and cackling mustachioed  villains. Being a Shaw Bros studio production, Opium and the Kung Fu master delivers on all fronts, although I would have opted for less after school special and more of the mustachioed fellas. The heroes and villains are very colorful and dramatic, the supporting cast is full of funny characters and good filler footage. A highlight for me was the token blind kung fu teacher, the actor did a horrible job of portraying and vision  impaired man but that might be a positive for the movie.  There was maybe two or three different kung fu styles but they make up for it with the weapons and sword play. The standard sword and fighting pole are present but they also dust off the rarely used double short spear. My favorite fight scene had to be ‘tween the fighting pole and double spear. The film could have used a little more of the aforementioned kung fu movie staples for me to give it a ‘must watch’ recommendation but give it a try if you are looking for some laughs between badly placed punching sounds.

The legendary Dance Craze lives on via youtube

                                                    

About 5 years ago I was given a LP (vinyl, record….you know one of those giant black CD’s that you play with a needle) called “Dance Craze The Best Of British Ska…LIVE”. Being a huge fan of the genre it was one of the most awesome gifts I had ever received. About a year or so later I learned that it was a soundtrack to a 1981 film of the same name. And the search began. I searched every video store, pawn shop, record store (good luck finding a video or record shop nowadays) and thrift store I came across to no avail. I did a little research and found out it has been out of print since about when the first VHS run of it was made back in 1988. Frustrated and let down… I gave up the search and forgot all about it. Skip ahead a few years and while searching through various ska music videos on that most famous of video sharing tube sites what did i come across? Dance Craze!!!! In It’s Entirety!!!!!!!!!! Elated, I grabbed a bottle of some of my finest party liquor and let the joyous occasion unfold.

For those of you unfamiliar with ska and the term 2-tone, I’ll give you a short history lesson. In the late 50's and early 60's Jamaican musicians, influenced by American jazz, pop music and R&B, incorporated the elements of these styles with their own native flavors, including Nyahbinghi drums and other folk music of the island. What came out was to be named Ska. Upbeat and original to the island it became a craze that took over the island seemingly over night. Musicians then slowed the tempo and sang songs of love, the local ruffians aptly named “rude boys”, and of social inequality in the mid 60s, and it became one of the most revered ages in Jamaican music called Rocksteady. After roughly 2 years of Rocksteady ruling the pop charts in Jamaica Reggae became the new hot sound, and in large part remains so on the Island to this day. But I’ve gotten a little past where I was going. In the 1970s in England many youths, inspired by Jamaican ska, rock steady and early reggae as well as punk rock formed bands that played a newer, and for the most part happier, version of ska music. Known as the second wave of ska, ska revival or simply 2 tone bands such as The Specials, The Selecter, Madness, The English Beat (known simply as “The Beat” in England) and more created their own sound by incorporating the early Jamaican classic ska sound with faster tempos and more energetic stage persona’s.

Dance Craze is 86 minutes of the top names in 2 tone playing in their prime. Filmed at various concerts in England in 1980 the movie showcases not only these amazing bands but the scale to which the second wave of ska took England by storm showing packed theaters and clubs with the crowds going crazy throughout. Featuring 27 of the biggest hits Britain has ever seen Dance Craze is 2 tone’s answer to the movie Woodstock, and is a must see for all fans (even passive ones) of the genre. Standouts include but are not limited to : Buster Bloodvessel in his younger days dancing up and down the stage shouting his large and in charge hit “Lip Up Fatty”, Madness in all their weirdness and glory singing the likes of ”night Boat To Cairo” and “one Step Beyond” and the pure energy of The Specials Playing “Night Klub” at the beginning and ends of thie movie. And I am extremely mad it has been out of print for so many years, if Hollywood can bring back the likes of Beverly Hills 90210 and Dallas, surely they can bring back classic concert video for the in home entertainment of the ever growing masses of ska fans. We are here and we demand an official release of Dance Craze, and some other stuff to be named later.                                                    

 

Disney Vault Gems

Since the advent of VHS in the 70′s and 80′s Disney has had enough sense to republish and distribute the classic movies of old. Bringing movies out of some fictitious vault, and giving certain franchises much-needed love, not to mention the merchandising that goes along with it. Because of the Disney vault, current whipper snappers know of Cinderella, The Little Mermaid, Snow White, and Aladdin. What of the other ones, the dusty forgotten bunch that have little to no way of merchandising? The movies with a dark past that we would rather forget or the ones that Disney wish they never had made? Some of the more obscure titles in the Disney vault are the most interesting and deserve a little more love.



Song of the South

The most infamous of Disney’s creations, Song of the South tells the story of Uncle Remus (stereotypically caricatured above) the great story-teller. Song of the South is a cross between Uncle Tom’s Cabin and Space Jam, putting many black stereotypes into the characters like Brrr Rabbit and Brrr Fox which are hand drawn per usual in a Disney fashion as they interact with real life actors. The confused moral of the story is that Brr Rabbit should stay in his native Georgia and not runaway from a hard days work because “you can’t runs away from troubles, there aint no place that far”. This movie contains appalling racist views, cartoony depictions of lynching and mentions of “tar babies”.  Racism and ignorance not withstanding, this movie displays some cutting edge technology for the times…but still it is reaaaallly racist. It’s no wonder Disney failed to take this little gem out of the vault, but for those who know better can watch this film critically and examine American Culture pre-civil rights movement.

Los Tres Caballeros

 Or “The Three Gentlemen”, is part of a 3 film Disney series that showcased the incredibly colorful world of Latin America. In Los Tres Caballe
ros, Donald receives a care package from his friends south of the border and each present leads to an animated short. Each of which depicts stories from different Latin cultures like Peru, Argentina, Brazil and Mexico. The shorts are full of slap stick comedy and Donald bending the laws of physics. The reason I enjoyed this film was because of the music and real life footage of different parts of Mexico and Brazil.




The Black Cauldron

This animated feature was based on the first two books in the Chronicles of Prydain series which consist of five books. The Chronicles of Prydian are based on Welsh mythology and have the Horned King as the main antagonist. Aside from having a sweet porn handle, the evil Horned King is one evil mofo, raising hoards of ancient undead warriors to do his bidding in search of the black cauldron, which will grant him power to rule the world, “one cauldron to rule them all”. Lord of the Rings rip off not withstanding, the Black Cauldron is full of darker subject matter not common for Disney fodder of the day. The animation is highly detailed and rivals the animation coming out of Japan at the same time. Since its release it has received a minor cult following do to the books gaining popularity and because of the awesome soundtrack.

These titles are just a few of the often overlooked classics of Disney, an honorable mentions go to Tron, The Black Hole, Disney’s Wide World of Sports, Robin Hood, Atlantis the Lost Empire, the Great Mouse Detective, Sword and the Stone and for those looking to get into the video game realm the same dude that drew Sword and the Stone made the Dragon’s Lair arcade game which is a cult classic in its own right

Frankie gets a lady friend: The Bride of Frankenstein

                                             

4 years later (real world time, not in the movies), good ol' Frankie gets a girlfriend.... kinda, AND the ability to speak. Many fans cite The Bride of Frankenstein as their favorite installment of the series, and it's easy to see why.
The movie starts off in a rather tongue in cheek manner, showing Mary Shelly, her husband and their buddy, who's name escapes me at the moment, sitting around in their parlor (it was the old days, that's what they called it back then) on a dark and stormy night, discussing Mary's marvelously spun monster tale, with Mary proclaiming that the story is far from over, calling for her mate and buddy to gather round for the Frankie show vol. 2. (I was paraphrasing, sheesh.) Now, that may have been a cheap tactic just to include the new movie in the official cannon, but an effective one, none the less.  And then....the rest of the movie......
The start of the story is the usual Hollywood schtick, finding some way of making it seem as if the star of the movie DIDN'T die at the end of the previous installment, because god forbid you have to invent another character and place him/her in one of the 5 stories used in major Hollywood fare since the birth of moving pictures. This time it was the old 'the burning windmill was built on top of a small lake' trick, allowing the monster to narrowly escape being.....made dead
again. That, however, is my only gripe with the film, and it is a very minimalistic gripe, because if the monster had died, there would be no sequel, and that is just not a world I want to live in. The rest of the movie has everything most of us look for in a film, a good manhunt (monster hunt, whatever), suspense, a (closeted gay) hermit, a chick with crazy streaks going up the side of her beehive extraordinaire, and even miniature people in jars. In jars!

The mini people were, to me, the highlight of the film. They were all named after some form of royalty (the king, the queen, and so forth) and dressed in the appropriate fashion of their name sake. The king however wasn't very kingly, as his entire drive in life seemed to be a never ending mission to escape the bondage of his jar and make whoopie with the uninterested queen. I didn't say it wasn't a noble purpose, however when you picture a king you hardly picture some horn dog slobbering all over himself in lust, unless you're watching a Mel Brooks movie that is. Apart from their much appreciated comedic antics, the way they were presented in the movie were some of the best special effects shots in the history of cinema, proving once and for all there ain't no school like the old school.  The technique used had something to do with making 2 separate shots, lining the second up with the first and combining the results, leaving us with a seamless, utterly realistic looking shot of miniature folks sitting in jars on a table in front of a normal sized dude, why doesn't Hollywood go back to the OG style of special effects? Everybody knows they make for a much better finished product, and why they're stuck on this CGI garbage when it's not to the point it needs to be I'll never know.

People seem to not remember the fact that the "Bride" was in fact terrified of the monster, instead focusing on the movie title and reinventing the story in their minds, thinking of it as a story of love existing even between monsters. While it's a nice sentiment, it's not so.

"You want me and him to do WHAT?"

There were also a few homosexual undertones throughout the movie, but I'll let you check that out over on wikipedia, it's an interesting little read. Check it out here.

There's a reason The Bride Of Frankenstein is listed as one of the all time great classic horror movies, Universal really knew what they were doing back in the day. If you haven't given this movie a watch since you were a young child, like a lot of people, check it out, I'm sure it's on one of them video on demand services, or at your local video rental shops (hah! I made a funny), give it another watch, it's well worth your time.                                                                                                                  

Mei and the Kittenbus, the short film sequel of My Neighbor Totoro

     Back in 1988 Hayao Miyazaki  Directed and wrote Tonari no Totoro, his second film from his brainchild Studio Ghibli. It detailed the adventures of two daughters of a college professor in postwar rural Japan, and their encounter with animal and forest spirits that live in and around their new home. The film was creative in both its weird subject matter (who thinks up an octo-ped giant Catbus???) and its storytelling, Miyazaki rarely uses any villain and his stories always have themes of environmentalism,  feminism, and pacifism...I'm sure there is an ism missing there.  Totoro was dubbed to english by an American/Japan airline as an  inflight movie, then the dub was distributed by Troma pictures believe it or not. In 2004 Troma and Fox lost the rights to distribute Totoro, which left the money vultures at Disney to do what they do best. Since its re-dubbing and redistribution My Neighbor Totoro has become a fan favorite among Disney, Studio Ghibli and animation aficionados in general, myself included. That's why I was left awestruck to find that Miyazaki had made a sorta sequel to the classic childrens movie.
   Mei and The Kittenbus is a short film(13 min.) that is exclusively shown at the Ghibli museum in Tokyo Japan. It takes place after the events of My Neighbor Totoro, when Mei comes across the offspring of the Catbus in the first film she is swept up into a magical journey to a secret meeting of the forest spirits.
   Truly, made for the fans of the film, it has a whole bunch of Totoro-like animals it has several catbusses, including a kitten and an older one that serves as a sort of cruise liner to the pure lands, a vaguely buddhist reference that escapes me at the moment. The story is simple enough and like the movies, leaves you with a childlike sense of wonder that can only be described as a curiosity of what can not be explained, things as simple as a sudden gust of wind can be explained by a giant cat whizzing by on its way to a secret meeting and not be given a second thought.

    Sadly, Mei and the Kittenbus has no signs of getting a proper release to any home medium, it will remain a  Ghibli Museum exclusive. Which is too bad because it is a cute addition to the Totoro mythos, a simple story that will leave a lasting impression on fans of the series. But who knows...it might get a release on a special dvd or something...for now, save up for those plane tickets to Tokyo.

Starman : Sci Fi Royalty.... or not-an incoherent ramble.

 Today's pick from the public domain vault is the first in the Starman series "Atomic Rulers". Originally the first two installments in the Japanese made Super Giant franchise circa 1956, America bought up the films a number of years later and combined 'em into one movie, dubbing the dialogue into English and renaming the hero Starman, finally releasing the finished product in 1965. Super Giant was Japan's very first superhero to grace the silver screen, taking a cue from the superman serials of the late 40's and building their own superhero brand to the delight of thousands of happy lil' Japanese children.

"Hi, I'm Starman, and I'm gonna kick your butt."

This being the first entry in the series, it lacks that danger from outer space element that makes the series so great, the writers instead opting to go for a much more realistic threat, atomic weaponry. The saga begins with the narrator talking about how some alien dudes made Starman out of the strongest steels and sent him to Earth to stop the use of nukes, as even the alien dudes from the far away Emerald planet fear the almighty power of the split atom. After that the movie is pretty much your standard espionage movie, just with people in ridiculous outfits on occasion, and one guy who can fly, repel bullets, bend a gun like it was a toy, and withstand a small nuclear explosion. There are some great 'roll the film backwards to make cool stuff happen' shots in the movie, that are so pointless that they're highly laughable, but the shots of Starman flying still put the late 90's Sunday afternoon show Night Man to shame. Seriously, did you ever see Night Man?  The visual aesthetic of the show was somewhere between late 90's era Skinemax and Days of Our Lives. Garbage.

Atomic Rulers, not unlike Gojira (released the same year in Japan), is a bit of a parable for U.S.- Japan relations of the day. In 1956, the atomic bombing of Japan just 11 years earlier was still a very fresh wound, and the writers of the movie had a bit of a chip on their shoulders about it. Nearly all the bad guys in the movie were American, and their mission was to conquer the world via nuclear blackmail, evil nuke wielding white dudes...... I guess it's a little more in your face than a mere parable....

Starman (Super Giant) really set a precedent, paving the way for the super hero genre in Japan, setting in motion the course of events that lead to the invention of the likes of the Ultraman, Kamen Rider, Metal Heroes and the Super Sentai Franchises, without all of which I would be a lost soul today. Being one of the oldest  showcases of the Tokusatsu genre should make Starman cinema royalty, but alas the Starman series has been banished to the bargain bin at your local (insert superstore name here), but that's also how I discovered the greatness that is the likes of Atomic Rulers, Invaders from Space, Attack from Space and Evil Brain from Outer Space, ranking high above the likes of Ricky Jones and company. Damn you world.

"We should be more famous than we are, and not just used as stock footage on 'Through the Wormhole With Morgan Freeman', Agreed?" 

Shady tapes, the charm of bootleg flicks and their influence on the current state of cinema

        For those of us not spoiled with internet and its various torrents and streaming sites and ebays, in addition the growing popularity that Tarantino has sprung in the B-movie and its many sub-genres many cut-classic movies and lesser known exploitation flicks have become available at major retail stores. We had it tough...we had to get our hands dirty to get our grindhouse fix. Breaking copyright laws in the days before high-speed internet  was a real wild west, we didn't know what the hell we were doin...luckily, aside from adding a little disclaimer at the beginning of a movie, the powers that be didn't know what we were doin either.

            My first experiences with bootleg movies was in the early 90's before Japanese animation really hit its stride in the US, anime fans relied on each other to share movies with each other.  Anime films and series were not readily available at retail stores so there was an underground network of  sellers and traders that would record 4 to 8 hours of anime on VHS tapes, no real labels, just a barely legible scribbling detailing the contents of the glorious tape in your hand. Some tapes were third, fourth and sometimes sixth generation recordings, leaving the movie foggy at places with wavering audio, and with the subtitles blurry. I owe my preferences of dubbed to subbed to these bootleg VHS's. My very first tape I got when i was a measly 9 years old, it had Akira, Ghost in a Shell, and half of some other movie that I can not recall at the moment. In spite of the obvious technical flaws I was in heaven, I had a little piece of something that my friends didn't know about, granted a very hipster reason to like something but its the truth, discovering some a masterpiece all on your own with no outside influence is pretty damn cool. Hipster logic aside, the cult-movie movement  relied on these measure to grow into what it is today, word of mouth laying the groundwork for what eventually will evolve into internet forums, God bless Al Gore... 

               As I  began to frequent these side alley swap meet bootleg stands, which were more like blankets sprawled on the ground with VHS littered all over it than actual stands, I began to get into other kinds of movies. Movies that I had never seen at major stores or rental places, movies like Cannibal Holocaust, Zombi, Shaw Bros  kung fu movies and the exploitation flicks of the 70's. Each movie didn't cost much, a few buck over the cost of a blank tape and luckily the faithful and shady shopkeep gave me the option of trading in movies for credit...which in retrospect, I have come to regret, I would love to have some of these in my collection today. As moving usually goes, I lost a few tapes or I let people borrow and forgot to get back....I have one tape left from my early days as a B-Movie aficionado, The Fatal Flying Guillotine, note the shitty box art and the very simple label(which was considered fancy by bootleg standards). 

     With the advent of DVD, bootleg movies have become much easier to get ahold of but have lost a considerable amount of charm that they once had. Usually they are either torrents of new movies, filmed with a camera at the movie theatre by very obvously nervous camera man, or burnt DVD's with the same shaky movie on them. Granted for the regualr schmoe this seems a sub-par option to do your movie viewing, but for the seasoned B-Movie buff this brings the charm of grindhouse movies in a modern setting. Action movies just look better on grainy sources. Recently I enjoyed a bootleg copy of Tarantino's western opus Django Unchained, the nature of the movie and its violent and classic style almost called for it to be viewed on a shitty medium...before you go on about how I'm taking caviar and champagne out of poor ol' Quentin's mouth I will have you know I have seen the movie twice in theatres and plan to buy the super mega special edition of the Blu-ray when that becomes available, yeah, I think I deserve one measly bootleg. 

  Here is a movie that deserved no ones money, note the printed paper artwork, but hey, at least its in color. Admitely out of the manners of bootlegging this is definitely the shadiest, and is about as illigal as small amounts of weed, so be careful and try to stay away from these...unless you just have to get your hands on a copy of the latest Tyler Perry movie. 

50 public domain movies for dat ass

       Like most illegal things in the bless'd U.S of A, companies have found a way around these copyright laws and straight into our pockets. These suit and tie clad weasels have bundled movies that are public domain(not subject to copyright) into packs of 50 and 100 and sold it at a cheap price. Most of them are older movies , usually from the 60's and below and have some pretty cool flick in them and for the asking price, I must admit its a steal. Movies are bundled by Genre, sci-fi and horror usually and are specially full of monster movies with bad special effects. The movies come in box with about a dozen and half dvds in little individual sleeves. Sometimes you will find these movies sold individually, packed in its own case with a printed cd image and everything. Although this way could be a bit a pricer...it does look cool to have on your shelf. You can even rip the movies off of Youtube or other streaming sites and  make your own copy with a custom label. It definitely adds a certain charm to your collection of obscure movies. Remember...public domain movies are all clear for this...they belong to the public after all. 

a public domain movie packaged on its own

 Inspite of the shadiness that goes with owning and selling bootlegs, B-movie and grindhouse aficianados owe these back alley gems for the current popularity of the genre. We wouldnt have movies like Deathproof, The Evil Dead Remake, Django Unchained, Kung Fu Hustle, Black Dynamite, and Hobo with a Shotgun among many others. Show some fucking respect.

Waflfles(the other fuck on the blog) made this bootleg of the classic Japanese sci-fi movies StarMan to add to his sizeable collection....don't worry,ITS PUBLIC DOMAIN FOOLS

V.H.S; sorta scary...sorta meh

   Falling again for those trailers that have quotes stating that they have what could be "the SCARIEST movie of all time", threats of ladies walking out or of you soiling your trousers because of the new findings in the scaring-shit-out-of-you sciences...that is how I first got an interest in this sort of good movie.
   V/H/S is a movie compiled of half-dozen short films that are all shot in the first person perspective, ala Blair Witch Project. None of the films are related, save an overlapping story of a couple of ruffians ram-sacking a creepy house in search of some video tapes to make a quick buck. Amid the creepy ambiance and horrible lighting, they find time to browse a dead man's VHS collection. The movies have that distinct headache inspiring camera work, but if the objective was going for realism...then this was done very well, mimicking that drunk dad at the Barbecue  camera technique. The stories all seem to be ripped off of other movies or at least spin off the idea of most. Not to say that most all horror movies are influenced by prior genre staples but in the V/H/S shorts it is very obvious.
    Individually, each story is much different from the next, themes range from slasher in the woods to the haunted house scenario. Using various genre tropes like pointless nudity, breaking the fourth wall and more than a hand full of gory scenes filled with rubber and red corn oil  made V/H/S enjoyable during certain scenes, however, this over exaggeration of  moments in the film made the build up scenes seem very mundane and drawn out.This heavy handed style of give and take works out for full lenght films but in a short film narrative had me bored between flashes of tit and neck stabbings.
                  This movie would be better enjoyed in parts, maybe catching shorts individually on youtube or wacthing scene by scene with your DVD. Each short was good on its own merit, be it creepy vampire ladies, crazed lesbian lovers, or a slasher victim taking sweet revenge on a supernatural killer are bythemselves very satisfying gore filled and suspensefull little treats, better enjoyed everyonce in awhile not in copious amounts, afterall...you might get a tummy ache. You won't see anything groundbreaking in this movie and while some parts are scary and not just surprise jumps ....VHS is far from the latest and greatest in the scare medium. I do recommend
the short films individually but not all in one sitting...it does get loooooong and drawn out.

Mad Monkey Kung Fu; Goin ape-shit the feature film

          I have it pretty much set in my mind that almost by definition a Kung Fu movie can't be bad...just different grades of how good it is. Sort of like blowjobs and beer, one can not (in good conscience) turn down a cold one, that goes double for felatio.  I mean, they all will do but you come off as stuck up and snobby once you start talking about the differences of IPA and the proper usage of teeth...what was I talking about? Ahh yes.... martial arts movies are all good in my book. Even through layers of bad dialogue (if you prefer dub to sub), illogical plot twist, and the bad quality of movies when translated to DVD or Blu-ray or what have you. Having said that, let us get into just how good Mad Monkey Kung Fu is...
    Mad Monkey Kung Fu starts off with a obligatory style showcasing that Shaw Bros are famous for. Monkey Fist style is one of the more fluid and comical styles of fighting, Chen and his sister perform this style at the local theatre... naturally it draws the attention of the local hood leader, Boss Tuan. Tuan then tricks the monkey master and his sister into having dinner with him, through his trickery...and booze, he manages to frame Chen for seducing his lady. Punishment is crippling of his precious hands and the enslavement of Chen's s sister as Boss Taun's concubine. Chen forgets about his Monkey Style and takes to the streets as a street performer. On the streets, he takes a young pickpocket named Monkey under his wing. I know what you're saying now...surely Monkey will have no interest in learning the masters forgotten MONKEY style. Well you would be wrong and stupid...frankly I am surprised you can read this article.
     Not exactly a new formula, Mad Monkey Kung Fu isn't too heavy on the story, it is carried by  the awesome fights choreographed by Director Chia-Liang Liu(Lau Kar Leung), famous for The Legend of Drunken Master, and The 36th Chamber of Shaolin. The Monkey Fist style is shown in single hand to hand, two vs one, one against many and in training sequences. Kar Leung and his pupil Hsiao Ho(Monkey) show a true mastery of the style, shining on screen while performing their hard hitting and acrobatic ballet, mixing in more rigid and static stanced fighting styles(not including snake style) to better illustrate the fluid movements of Monkey fist. Choices like this and a true knowledge of various styles makes Lau Kar Leung my favorite choreographer and director of the martial art genre. 
   The story does pick up mid-movie, making a smooth transition from comical to dramatic, a move seldom made seamlessly as this. Killing of innocent monkeys can to that plot line. The revenge aspect takes center stage but the gags that were there from the get remain all the way through, adding small notes of rose to a very dark story.
  My only gripe with the flick, mind you it's not a big one, is that the other styles take back seat to monkey fist style...I would like to at least see one style that acted as it's direct opposite, guess there wasn't enough room for just one more tired Kung Fu tired trope.
  In spite of its lack of variety, Mad Monkey Kung Fu comes recommended to all because of the choreography and comedy stylings of Lau Kar Leung...Mad Monkey Kung Fu is heavy on the fighting, light on the fighting styles.  

Cobra... Crime is a disease, He is the cure

In a Reagan era Los Angeles, the streets are running rampant with vermin. Crime is at an all time high, Police can’t do what is necessary for fear of backlash from the already wary public. Violent crime is a disease  and one man is the cure. One man is willing to do what is needed, but not wanted. He is no hero, just a  lone protector, a silent guardian, the dark kni– nah man its just Sylvester Stallone. Marion Cobretti, has unknowingly stumbled on the heels of a neo fascist group New Order whose core belief is that the weak should be killed leaving only the strong to rule the world. One faithful night, Ingrid(Nielsen) a very humble supermodel is witness to a violent crime at the hands of New Order’s leader. Trying to get this scumbag behind bars, they assign ‘Cobra’  to protect the helpless model, fleeing to the countryside somehow the New Order knows of their whereabouts and corners Cobra and his newly found woman in a factory where the obligatory final showdown must be held.

For regular people who often can’t enjoy the merits of a bad movie, definitely skip out on this one. This is exemplary B-movie affair, chalk full of one liners, unprovoked spasms of toughness displayed by the protagonist, and overzealous use of foul language and violence. The storyline is very predictable and at times very aware of itself. Using the tried and true Cop with an attitude that only plays by his own rules formula, the screenplay is ground breaking by no means. In spite of the nature of B-Movies I was expecting a little more consistency from the characters that Stallone created as a screenwriter

. What I mean by this is that, characters changed their personality at a moments notice for the sake of action or comedy. This left very stoic characters like Cobretti with some awkward screen time when they made jokes that didn’t seem to fit his persona at all. This would be understandable if he let the characters grow and became better or changed because of events of the film but as soon as he delivered the joke, Cobra was back to being a very serious police officer looking for justice and order.

The setting and tone were very film noir, making LA look like a bleak urban wasteland where crime runs rampant and Los Angeles is half skid row , half Beverly Hills. It certainly reflected the zeitgeist of the day, with the just captured Richard “Night Stalker” Ramirez fresh behind bars, the definite inspiration for the main antagonist of the film and social unrest in LA stemming from the heavy-handed LAPD and drug crimes in working class neighborhoods, Cobra was more social commentary than it is given credit for. In spite of its action movie guise Cobra had a lot to say about the current state of things.

The action was there, not to over the top but just enough to have you saying “hey, that wouldn’t reasonably happen in a similar situation in real life” but enough for you to know that it was an 80′s flick. The pace changed drastically after the opening scene, going from high stakes action and suspense to 30 or 40 minutes of story and character build up was a bad choice on the directors part. I became bored after the action of the opening credits, I couldn’t get back into it after people started dying in creative ways.Cobra comes recommended to those looking for an action movie with a little thought to it, but still doesn’t take itself too seriously.